Running While Female

In my experience, girls and women are socialized to see themselves as others see them.  For me this has lead to an inability to fully inhabit my fantasies as me.  When I imagine myself in situations I find that I am trying to see myself as others see me rather than imagining what I am doing and feeling from inside of myself.

When Round Hiker walks and hikes he loves slipping into the Alpha state where he isn't very aware of anything but the trail and moving down it.  He listens to music and zones out and comes back energized and refreshed.  I get that in snatches when I run.  When I am alone my brain gets quiet and everything simplifies down to three things, breath, energy, and the sensation of my feet on the ground.  As soon as I see someone else on the trail it's like my radio station stops broadcasting what I think and feel and starts trying to figure out how the other person on the trail sees me.  Is my butt bouncing too much? Do my arms look fat?  Do they think I'm too fat to be running?  Do I look like I am having a hard time running?

Sometimes my brain swerves off and starts judging the females I'm passing. "She's too tan - skin cancer is in her future.  She needs a better running bra, Woa, she can totally beat the crap out of me!"  Much of the socialization process that teaches girls to always think about how other people see them is done by women.  One of my least favorite comments is, "That's not ladylike."  Which means that I am not conforming to someone's idea of what women should be and they feel very comfortable, nay, righteous about policing my behavior because as a female everyone (male and female) feels that they have the right to comment.  These intrusions into girls and women's experience make it clear that how other people see you is vitally important.

Today was the first time I put together the dots on my inability to inhabit my own brain when I think about the future or when I am running and see someone on the trail.  My focus is broken and these social scripts start playing where I try to anticipate what some total stranger wants of me and mentally start self-policing to see if I am violating those expectations.  Unfortunately I also start projecting my idea of what other women should be like but thankfully I don't feel the need to say any of that pointless shit.  This definitely puts a crimp in my running zen.  And it made me wonder about elite female athletes.  I wonder if they get to the heights that they do because they have superior concentration and get pulled out of their focus less.  They certainly have an incredible social spotlight put on their appearance, behavior, and personalities.  From when I was little and Martina Navratilova was criticized for being too thin and muscular and manly-looking (and a lesbian), to Serena Williams being criticized for being too big and muscular and manly on one hand and then too outrageously sexy and inappropriate in her tennis outfits.  McEnroe swears at an official and society is all, "He's such a naughty boy  - tee hee!"  Serena does it and she's fined $50,000, has to apologize (which I don't remember McEnroe doing but perhaps he did) and everyone is all "Whoa, that's unacceptable!".

I will take it as a grand personal victory when I stop caring what other people on the trail think of me.  And an even bigger one when I stop caring what other women on the trail look like or are doing as long as they aren't in my way!  I want the luxury of self-focus and self-expectation that I imagine male athletes have.  And if they don't have it, I still want it anyway.